BARBIE: The Pink Frontier"
Just found this one on my TOS page, re read it and had a giggle.
Barbie: The Pink Frontier
By Robin Lawrie
Goodness! Blame this totally on raku and jonk and even John Ordover.
Disclaimer: Star Trek, and the characters in this story are the property of Paramount, and probably Mattel.
`That's it Ken. I've had a fucking gutful!'
`What's up Barbie? Country Camper get another flat?'
The tall blonde woman stomped into the pink boudoir and threw her fluffy pink mules onto the pink quilted bed.
`Ken, mate, the only fucking thing "camp" around here is you, pal. When are you going to stop dicking around and admit it.'
Ken stroked his chin. Well he tried to, but his arms didn't bend that far. He needed a shave, with his new Big Man Shave Kit, but for some reason had decided his new brown chin and jaw looked, well, more butch.
`Barbie, I don't know what you mean.'
`Don't you? Don't you?' Barbie stripped off her zebra striped latex playsuit and plucked yet again at the imprinted panties permanently welded to her skin. `I've seen you "Ken", I know who you've been seeing for the past month. You've been late home, smelling like sandlewood, and with a huge cheesy grin.'
Ken shifted in his chair. He knew what Barbie meant. He knew she knew. . . about Spock.
`Barbie, I can explain!'
`Explain?' she exploded as she slipped into the sheer knee length nightgown with satin trim. `I've seen the letters addressed to you, or should I say "Kevin"! At first I thought it was the last owner of this DreamHouse T but then I realised, this was "mint on card" when we moved in! So spill it, Bump Boy.'
`Gee, Barbie. I. . . don't know where to begin'. Ken stood and slotted a heel into a handy peg on the floor. Barbie was tapping her foot, her hand straying to the hairbrush and curling wand. Ken gulped. This was getting serious. `OK, OK. Well it all started when the new shuttlecraft arrived.'
`Shuttlecraft? That doesn't sound very Pink to me.'
`No, they're not. A kind of whitish grey actually. Beautifully designed with movable reactor coils and swivel seating for two. And if you press a button and the battery power is not depleted then.'
Barbie's hand tightened on the curling wand. `Get on with it, Dickless.'
`Well. Ahem. I was checking it out, wondering where the bar code was and felt this tap on my shoulder. I turned and there he was.'
`He being Spock.'
`Apparently.' Ken's arms jerked. He wanted to clench his fists in frustration, to get on one knee and plead for Barbie's understanding. But that could never be.
`He was wonderful, Barbie. Everything we could never be. He could bend in ways I'd always dreamed of bending. His joints could swivell, his hair would never be messy or fall out, and his sound chip. . . god, that voice! I could pull his string for hours and hours.'
`I see.' Barbie sat heavily onto the bed, her legs stretched stiffly out in front of her, arms braced behind. She checked her cleavage out of force of habit, but the realisation was sinking in that Ken, her Ken, would not be noticing. `And?'
`He took me up in the shuttlecraft, Barbie. I. . .I was scared, you know. I'd never been in something so not pink. And the seats weren't quite right and the controls were too far away, but Spock, he just rode that shuttle like he was made for it.' Ken raised his arms then dropped them to his side. He turned his head to Barbie. `We landed outside.'
`Outside!!' Barbie shouted. `We never go outside!'
`I know! It was weird, but somehow I felt safe with him. It started to rain, and I worried that my new Safari Suit and Slouch Hat were getting wet, so Spock decided we needed to take refuge under a nearby rock.'
`Why couldn't you stay in the shuttle?'
`Gee. I don't know. But somehow it seemed like the right thing to do.' Ken looked blankly at his hand. `It was as if a higher force was guiding us.'
`Jesus wept.' Barbie turned her head from one side to the other. `Let's hear the rest then, though I can see where it's going from here.'
`Um, ok. So we're under this rock, kind of like a cave, and then Spock gets all jittery, you know, like as if his battery was overcharged or someone had plugged him into mains power? He kept asking me, Barbie, and by crikey, I had to do something!'
`You? DO something!? Ken, may I remind you, YET AGAIN, just what you don't have in your pants? Nothing, matey, nothing at all!'
Ken turned his head towards the reclining figure. `That's what I thought too. But it was OK, Barbie because. . . there was nowhere for it to GO!' Ken shouted.
`Ah.' Barbie stopped smirking. `I see.' Despite her anger and frustration she was beginning to see the quiet dignity under which people like her and Ken and even this Spock, suffered every day of their lives. They were given the Houses, the Cars the Trailers, the RV's, the Condos but never, never, NEVER the most important accessory of all. The bit that put the "action" in action figure.
`So what happened, Ken,' asked a kinder, quieter Barbie.
Ken sighed and pivotted on his heel. `I did what I could, like we always do. Then he did it to me, and that was OK, because, I mean, he could bend a bit more, and somehow, it was enough.'
`Oh. Ok.' Barbie glanced around the pink walls and the pink dressing table. Was there a way to escape? To free herself from the tyranny of this Pink hell? Maybe. . .
`And then Ken, what next?'
`Well another guy arrived, a friend of Spock's. A doctor apparently.'
`A doctor? He had a stethoscope?'
`No, but he did have this handbag over his. . .'
`Colour?' Barbie demanded.
`Not pink, Barbie.'
`Look. It's not important right now.'
`Damn it Ken, accessories are always important!' But even as she said this, Barbie realised it wasn't true. Her head was filling with new thoughts, new concepts. It was scary, but in a way, exciting. `OK Ken, the doctor arrived. Sorry.'
`Well he sort of guessed what had happened and we all went back inside.' Ken sensed Barbie's discomfort. He didn't want to hurt her; they'd been through a lot together. He cut the story short. `And that's about it. Spock and I, well we made a connection, Barbie. He's asked to see me again.' Ken raised an arm towards Barbie. `I want to.'
Barbie looked at Ken. `I know Ken. I know you do. You have to. Things like this don't happen every day. Maybe once in seven years or so an opportunity like this comes along and you just have to take it, and go with it.' Barbie lifted her hand and looked at the neatly manicured nails on the long shapely fingers. `I understand.'
Ken tried to frown. He wanted to show how much he appreciated Barbie's acceptance of his new lifestyle. He wanted to make it up to her. Suddenly, he knew just the thing.
`Barbie? Um, I don't know how you'll take this but, um, Spock. . . has, um, a friend.'
`Yeah, he's the Captain of their ship. His name's Jim.'
`He's very attractive. He, er, "bends" like Spock does.'
`Does he now?' Barbie's eyebrows raised. Ok, so they would have, if she could have.
`Barbie, you know I love you, but now, there's Spock and I just don't know if we could all . . .'
`So, it's a big ship?'
`Very. Removable roof, swivel seating, new sound chip with lots of beeping, secret panel with LED lighting.'
`Is it pink?'
`No Barbie. No pink.'
Barbie glanced around the bedroom. This was it. Her chance. Probably the last one she'd get.
`Fuck pink! Ken? Grab your Leatherette Tote Bag and I'll stuff my Gym Bag and we'll fire up the Country Camper. This place isn't big enough for the likes of us. We need a change of scene. A new horizon. We need to . . .'
`Boldly go where no one has gone before?'
Barbie looked curiously at Ken and smiled. `Yeah, Ken. Whatever.'
Feedback cheerfully accepted, send to Robin
After reading this story, yet again... and having a good giggle over it... I decided it was a good addition to the Star Trek Barbie and Ken scans I have. I am not sure whether to be proud or not that at my age I own these dolls, but they do make me smile... so I guess its okay.
Click here for the Barbie and Ken page.
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